WILDER'S WHOLE WORLD: More on the middle cinnamon roll
Last time, I wrote about the middle cinnamon roll and my son leaving home. I only wrote about the physical aspects of his departure, but the rest of it is more powerful as I am living and learning with each passing day. There are landmark moments in relationships; and I am in the midst of one right here, right now.
In the recent movie, “Wonder Woman 1984,” the main character has a soliloquy near the end where she tells the villain/the public/the audience that your wishes are important, but they are not as important as your truth. My takeaway is that regardless of what you want to happen, there is a ‘truth’ that cannot be denied in every situation. Life has a way – within the relations of human beings – to create what is pure; what is true; what is beautiful.
After thinking about these concepts – which came to me in the most incredible ways – I realized this simple truth (for my situation): I didn’t lose a boy who was my son, I gained a son who is now a man.
I am so proud of the person Ryan Wilder has become. I honestly don’t know if anything I did had anything to do with it, but I’d like to think so. He is my truth; he is the future. And no amount of cinnamon rolls will change that…even if I feel upset and lost within the process.
The sheer emotions of the loss the day he moved out will be with me for a long time. There is a heavy presence upon my breast which I think I will have to live with – in some fashion – for the rest of my life. But I look at my son and see the future. I can’t be anything but happy for him. It’s not much, but it does nudge away at that presence in my chest every day.
A fancy word for all of this is transition. We as a family; he and I as father-son, are evolving from one relationship to another. I know that men have done it for centuries; and in various incarnations, but this one is mine. And I have to understand it; or I will not be able to function. It can be that debilitating.
I want to be mad, but all I feel is hurt. I have been dreading this for years. I distinctly remember some milestone when Ryan was 12 years old; and I thought, “Wow! This is the beginning of the end.” Little did I know just how right I was these ten years later. Cynical people can say that this happens every day in America and the world—What’s your big deal?
My big deal is that Ryan represents all I have done for this world of ours. He represents 37 years of being an active parent – 37 years in a row! He represents my mark on this earth. I know it can be a heavy burden for him, but I also know he can handle it. It is the time when all my work, all my passions and all my dreams come together and walk out that door. And all I can do is have hope that he goes and does the same thing with his life.
That’s my ‘big deal’…
I just didn’t know how powerful this transition would be. I didn’t know it would stop me in my tracks; and bring uncontrollable sobbing. I didn’t know it would destroy my world, but now I know it has brought me another one. I just have to embrace it as I let go of the former one. Much easier said than done; you have my word on that!
Joyce King, in a recent editorial, may have said it best: “Have hope in what you have planted. We all need a (James) Baldwin, a source that inspires us to embrace absolute truth and the courage to go tell it on the mountain.”
And as Brad Metzler wrote in a recent book – a core truth of ours is – “That in our lowest moments, we can find our greatest strengths.”
And when he left, Ryan Jacob Wilder became mine…
Dwayne Wilder is a Sherman native who currently lives in Denison. Wilder’s Whole World is his commentary about life in Texoma and the world. Wilder can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. The views and opinions expressed here are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of Texoma Marketing and Media Group.