You may remember that I whined in June about replacing my Android cellphone with that other fancy phone in order to better do my job. I wasn’t happy.

You may remember that I whined in June about replacing my Android cellphone with that other fancy phone in order to better do my job. I wasn’t happy.


My co-workers swore I’d love the new phone if I’d just give it some time. They must’ve meant years. I haven’t gained even a slight bit of affection for the confounded contraption. It ranks right up there with spiders and algebra on my list of things I could happily live without.


I figured out how to make and receive calls, but nobody does that anymore except telemarketers, so why bother? It’s all about texting. (Why would anyone actually want to talk to someone using their voice? That would just be way too personal.) I learned how Fancy Phone texts and even got the camera and video mechanics down. After that, I hit a wall on the learning curve.


Sly, my car, hated Fancy Phone and wouldn’t let it hook to Bluetooth. I watched how-to videos. I asked for help on Facebook and from friends. A co-worker took pity on me and finally got Sly to let Fancy Phone in. I thought that maybe I was on a roll. I was obviously delusional.


For Fancy Phone to achieve the things I needed to do, it had to access the Internet. My ‘droid phone did it with no problem. Not Fancy Phone. It asked for more information than the IRS and doctor combined. I answered, but no dice. It kept saying it couldn’t find a Wi-Fi connection, not even the one it claimed to have built in. I sat in various parking lots and other public places, plus a few neighborhood streets, where I knew there was Wi-Fi. Nothing. People would start looking at me funny, so I’d have to move elsewhere. The police would have never believed I really was just fussing with my phone.


It was hopeless. Fancy Phone refused to cooperate … until 2 o’clock the other morning. A leg cramp sent me straight up out of bed. As I was wide-awake, I decided to fight with Fancy Phone one last time before accidentally running over it in the driveway. I don’t know what I did besides threaten it, but suddenly I was online. I kept waiting for ethereal music and glowing lights like usually occur during a miracle — at least it does in the movies. No music or lights, but I was still amazed — not with the phone, but with myself for accidentally getting it to work. Now, I’m scared to touch Fancy Phone for fear I’ll accidentally mess the whole thing up.



Happy birthday Monday to Shirley Jones of Tom Bean; Erica Pleasant of Sherman; Al Armor of Denison; and Michael Elder.