With no real credentials, I agreed to help (“Help!”) with Vacation Bible School this year. All of the kiddos were adorable. Some were traumatized; others seemed sedated; and yet many were exuberant over the top. When one little toddler screamed and dissolved into tears, I knew we had been too abrupt in introducing the topic, “blood of Jesus.”

Let’s be honest. Sometimes we want to lie about our spiritual gifts when it comes to volunteering to help. This year I really wanted my spiritual gift to be serving snacks to the adults. Or I could turn on the sound system in the sanctuary. Or even be the person who unlocks the building each day. I’m pretty good with a set of keys.

But back to the point here…it’s not difficult to spot the kid whose mother is desperate for some place to take her. She’s the little darling who smacks you hard on the rear when you meet her and demands a piggy back ride out to the grassy play area. She has this high-pitched giggle which you learn to dread because it means you’ll find that another poor VBS kid has been attacked with the glow stick she got during Bible story time.

I read ten things you do NOT want to hear at Vacation Bible School. Read on…

10. There’s a minor problem with the air conditioning. We should get it fixed by Friday.

9. We’re running low on refreshments, so we fed the kids chocolate candy and Mountain Dew.

8. Can you come and talk to the first graders? They’ve been crying ever since the lesson on the lake of fire.

7. Using a hammer is too difficult for our fourth graders, so they’re using a nail gun to build their bird houses.

6. What time were the children supposed to be back from the field trip to the maximum security prison?

5. Can you help for a few minutes with the four-year-olds? A couple of the teachers left the room screaming.

4. No one told us they were permanent markers.

3. We thought paper towels would be okay since we were out of toilet paper.

2. Our substitute pianist doesn’t know the sit down or stand up chords, but he’s memorized a lot of Broadway show tunes.

1. My teachers and I thought this would be a good time to tell the kids that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy are really messengers of Satan.

I think VBS could very accurately and appropriately be an acronym for two things, depending on which role you find yourself in this summer. For those moms who have played the enroll-my-child-in-two-VBSs-a-day game skillfully, it could stand for “Very Beneficial Situation.”

For those of us who wear the same olive green STAFF t-shirt every day and spend hours with the little boy who doesn’t seem to understand it’s not cool to give wedgies, VBS could quite easily stand for “Valium Battlefield Station.”

Cindy Baker Burnett is a resident of Bonham. Email her at cindybaker@cableone.net.